How To Deal With Family Dysfunction

  Psychology Spotlight

I will be the 1st to tell you I love my family. I absolutely adore my family. I don't love only in words but in action. For years I have made most of the efforts without much return. In my mind, at times, I wondered why. Who would make others a priority who don't make them a priority?  I've been ignored, neglected and grossly misunderstood. I've given up entire years of my life to support them, as well as money, time, energy, and even risked my legal safety to be there for them. During pandemic, I moved to California with the number one priority to spend time with them. Guess how many times they made the effort? . . . Maybe a handful of times.  I gave them the benefit of the doubt and was disappointed. I even had to drop in a time more two on some family who always claims they are busy. Really?? Too busy for family? Not buying it. This month, after Thanksgiving, I finally woke up to this fact as I cried for several days with this realization. There was a couple of family members who were not honest with me and did not apologize for their lack of honesty, there was a family member who put me down in front of others, there was a family member who falsely accused me of something, there was a family member who misread my character and laughed about it openly suggesting I was a certain way when I am not, there was a family member who was distant, there were family members who excluded me from things or conversations, there were family members who told me to join them and then left shortly thereafter, there was a family member who lacked empathy and took sides with other family members, there were family members absorbed in their technology, and there were family members who made me the lowest priority in the family. These are merely observations.

Upon arriving home, I felt so emotionally overwhelmed that I felt nauseous and felt like throwing up. Why would anyone invest so much in people that invest so little? My love language is TIME, which makes it all the more painful. Over the past 1.5 years, one family member made the return but ultimately rejected me in a really painful way and then took strangers in. In defense of one family member, they were having health issues. Another was split between work and traveling every weekend to see his immediate family. Another was working thru covid. My parents are the only ones who have made the return consistently. They rarely initiate but will return TIME at the very least. 

I will preface this blogpost by saying it is not about shame or blame - every family has their dysfunction to some degree - but it is about education. Many family members do not even realize what they are doing or not doing. My blog posts are about personal responsibility. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to create a life you love. What can I do to protect myself and create peace of mind, emotional wellbeing, and wellbeing in general? 

Is this you too? In the past, did you feel undervalued, neglected and under appreciated by your own family? 

When a family member ignores, mistreats, or neglects you it can lead you to question yourself and wonder if you are at fault. This questioning is normal as it is only human to seek closure and minimize emotional stress. After being treated this way for years, you may feel invisable, disrespect, hurt, or confused, invalidation and anger. You may experience anxiety and obssessive thinking about the situation or mistreatment. You may experience low self esteem or depression, eating disorders, dysfunction-laziness, lack of motivation and even ptsd. As a result, you may subconsciously seek out unhealthy partners or friends who also don't consider and prioritize your needs, abandon, ignore, mistreat, reject, neglect you, who have a track record of being untrustworthy and undependable. Being excluded by a family member can feel emotionally overwhelming. Being excluded is a form of being ignored and can make you feel like you don't belong in your family. Family members may openly or in confidence critique an adult family member, leave one person out of activities, not respond to this family member, or even subtly move away from this family member when they approach. Even if a person doesn't relate or get along with their family members, feeling like an outsider can feel extremely painful. At best, it will cause inner emotional turmoil and dysfunction. At worst, it will create feelings of suicide. 

Ignoring someone is a powerful form of control and manipulation. Often, they do know it isn't good to do it, but they don't realize how deeply it affects others. Why do they ultimately do it? 

Often, those who were treated this way as a child, grow up to repeat this pattern of treatment. They are subconsciously seeking revenge. In their subconscious mind, you deserve it because of what you did to them or what someone else did to them. A family member may also feel triggered and ignore you as a form of projection, attributing their vulnerable feelings to you instead of dealing with them on their own. In this way, they blame you and say it's your fault for feeling ignored as a way of projecting their ongoing feelings of being ignored. They may also seek to waylay their feelings of responsibility by saying just because you are feeling ignored does not mean they were ignoring you. There are likely several subconscious operations going on beneath the surface that are motivating their behavior. These may include a pattern of unhealthy attachments, projection from their childhood onto you of feeling unseen, ignored or mistreated, or as a way to control you through manipulation by creating a stressful emotional response within you. Because they are feeling this way in their life they seek to release the stress and misery onto someone else. They may also be putting their needs first at the cost of anothers. These are patterns of behavior learned in childhood. These behaviors are often used as a form of regressive behavior as a means to express feelings they may not have yet developed the language for or confidence to express. Sometimes, they think they will end up taking all the responsibility instead of only their part. Regardless of their reason why, you don't deserve to be treated that way. Their behavior is not acceptable, appropriate, healthy, or safe. 

So, how do you deal with these family members, people, and situations? 

While you may not ever fully understand why they are behaving that way, there are steps you can take to protect your emotional wellbeing and you must for your own peace of mind and success in life. Number one, you absolutlely must make yourself the priority. Your needs and your life come first and you must take care of yourself, your things, your needs and your life first. You cannot continue to allow people to suck energy from you and empty your cup because you cannot operate in life with an empty cup. You will, ultimately, not be able to function in your own life if you allow others behavior to emotionally overwhelm you, take on their energy and allow yourself to feel less as a result. You may have a strong desire to give to others but you must give to yourself first and build yourself up first. 

You must recognize the truth of the situation at hand. You don't deserve to be treated that way, even if your behavior was not good in the past. Understand that it's not your fault. You are not responsible for someone else's greedy, childish and hurtful behavior. Controlling their own behavior is up to them. Remind yourself that their behavior has nothing to do with you and they are subconsciously acting out learned behavior from their childhood. Think about whether it is worth it to engage with them to understand their viewpoint. Move thru your own anger which often is directed at yourself because you are accepting responsibility that is not yours and shaming or blaming yourself. Why would you do that? Why would you feel bad when you didn't do anything wrong. Let them keep their energy. Let them feel bad for doing something unkind. When you choose to feel bad you don't allow them space to take responsibility and feel bad for their own behavior. You will likely not ever know if it was intentional or not but you do know that they know it was not a good thing to do. You must consider whether you are strong enough and in a strong enough place to have a heart to heart conversation; whether you can share your honest feelings in a neutral and concise way without blame. 

If you feel their behavior is intentional and they have a history of behaving that way, you must take back control of yourself, your things, and your life. You are not a burden, you are blessing! And a very generous, giving person. You must withdraw benefits, time, effort  energy, and money. You are not at their whim, nor will you play victim or drama because you allowed them to do so and now you feel angry. You must limit your time with people who are not safe and do not value you. It may feel awkward at first but your main priority must be your own safety and wellbeing. You must set healthy boundaries. You are worthy of spending time with safe,  healthy individuals who respect you and engage in healthy appropriate communication with you. If the unhealthy person reduces their time with you, or blocks you from their life, it may bring up a reaction in you, but try to see it as the gift it is. They did the work for you.

If you must be in a place or situation for a certain amount of time, set up emotional boundaries. Ask for help with things, delegate tasks to others when you have too much to do, say no when you don't want to do something or don't have time to do something, go somewhere where you can be alone and take some personal time and space to process your emotions and let things go, rest, and rebalance. Don't accept other people's perspective as your own. Don't accept people's lies, bullying, or deceit. Don't accept responsibility for others responsibilities. Don't accept responsibility, guilt, or apologize for the actions of others. Don't trust and wait around for those who do not show up, do not show up on time or communicate when they are running behind, or don't respect their own commitments. Don't waste time on wishy washy people. Don't allow others to force or manipulate you into doing things you don't want to do. Don't allow others problems to dictate your life. 

Setting boundaties can feel awkward at first. It can cause conflict and arguments as you withdraw benefits, but stay strong and you will have a greater sense of wellbeing and peace of mind. What matters is how people respond to your boundaries, especially over time. If they respect you it shows that they value you and who you are becoming. It may take some time for them to get used to your new boundary, but if they respect you, they will try. If they don't, then it may be time to reevaluate how much you want them to be a part of your life. Healthy boundaries doesn't mean discarding other people or others opinions, but it does help you to consider them and their validity or amount of influence in your life. What you allow, continues. Setting and keeping emotional boundaries keeps people away who are not safe and respectful. The time that you had spent trying to make connections with people who don't value you, is time you can now use to forge new relationships with healthier people. There is also a great deal of emotional energy that you gain by not pouring it out without anyone pouring back into you. You don't have to reveal every thought, desire, belief, and feeling. You are entitled to privacy. It's okay to give out but you must also learn to contain. You are a unique individual, with unique gifts, with a unique mission in this journey called life. Value yourself, time, and resources and you will feel more happy, strong, and stable. 

By setting emotional boundaries, you create more integrity and alignment in your life. Put yourself first. Family shares a lot but they don't need to share everything if they don't want to. Their life is theirs and your life is yours. Your lives may overlap in a major way but they don't have to, and certainly not completely. Take time out to value and focus on your own life, beliefs and perspective. Respect and value your own life experience, who you are as a person, your identity, what you value, your needs, your goals, your time, the things you love, your strengths, your resources, and your emotions. It is okay to not be okay and it is okay to be you. You are a blessing! 

Stop seeking out validation and fulfillment of your needs from family members who mistreat you. They are not safe people and they are not loving mirrors. You must learn to practice your own forms of self-love, internal validation, and self-respect. Reduce your interaction with family members who don't value you. Educate yourself on the forms of abuse in your family and work on recognizing them in your real life interactions. Immediately after any negative interaction, reinforce mantras or words of love that validate your worth by saying things like, "you are worthy of love and respect" or "you are worthy of experiencing healthy relationships with open, honest communication, trust, and appropriate boundaries. 

*On a side note . . . If you are experiencing challenges with self-esteem, anxiety, depression, sleep, eating related issues, or chronic stress, be sure to contact a therapist or counselor who can help you to process this challenging situation and help you to increase your resiliency.